An Apology, A Revelation, an End?

So for anyone who reads this, and also simply for my personal set of goals, I have been a bad blogger and haven't updated since a few nights before Galway. However, things have been insane of late, and previously bad or nonexistent internet situations, along with the desire to simply "be" and not write took over. BUT, here I am, back again, with one last major gigantic post, and perhaps another tomorrow to cap it off.

Revelation- Many people on this trip or back at home have said that one doesn't actually feel like or understand what it is to be an American until they go abroad, an idea that though I was not really opposed to, I thought wasn't completely without problems. However, what I've been realizing and what I expressed to Arne before the incident (later) and our falling out, was that going to Ireland has not in any way made me feel "more" American, or more analogous to "my country," but has actually provoked the Polish roots I hold so dear to flower in interesting ways. More than ever, in a city where beautiful Polish women worked in basically every food or service industry, I felt proud of and stimulated by that aspect of my identity. In Michigan, once in a great while, when I'm in a public place, I hear someone speaking polish, understand them, and get excited. The occurence is so rare, and my language faculties always threatening to be dwindling especially now that I'm away from my family and have not been enrolled in Polish school for quite some time. But here, on the streets of Dublin, I hear the words I learned before I learned English, the words that ARE things and people and moods and places and actions to me, EVERYWHERE and spoken by so many. Before I came here I felt increasingly dejected and depressed that I had such a great opportunity and rich childhood because of Polish school and family, and that in the present I struggled to think of verbs and felt like my basic knowledge was completely slipping away. In Ireland, I've begun to REMEMBER and RETHINK Polish words, especially verbs, which were hardest for me since I had a lot of nouns that I remembered, but couldn't remember how to say "to be", or "I am!" Now I've been thinking thoughts in Polish, having Polish words stuck in my head, and laughing along with Polish speakers as they talk about people they know or expererience on their travels, like people on the Giant's Causeway Bus Tour that were talking about someone smelly that they knew or met :).
All of this re-awakening and excitement around what I used to consider one of my native languages has given me a lot more confidence about pursuing one of my goals this year, to start studying Polish and relearning it, and then even more importantly, apply it to my academic and personal life. I want to talk to my grandfather more, I want to hear his stories, I know what a cool guy he is only through stories that he tells that I understand broadly, but now I want the details. And I want to be able to read Polish poetry in Polish, and start pioneering and writing about it and find out if that's something that I really do want to be doing later on in grad school and beyond.

More generally speaking, since Galway I've realized how much Dublin feels like one of my many homes, and how sure I am that I'll return someday, though never to Trinity and its bureacratic and capitalistic bullshit ways. Though I really cherish the opportunity and privelege to stay here (even though in some ways I jeopardized it), I really hate how money is what we're walking on, not cobblestones, and how despicable some of their practices are in their effort to attain profit. Turning off the heat in the laundry room, while still allowing money to be spent in the machines, and being slow to return money that was wasted (never mind the bloody time!) when malfunctions occured, really speaks to just how miserly this institution is. It's not as if their in financial trouble! About 1000 tourists a day, maybe even more, visit this place, take a tour and look at the Book of Kells (10 euro).

Finally, I can honestly say that I've learned so much while I've been here, and I can't wait to write more poetry and revise the poetry I wrote while I was here. The surreal Giant's Causeway, the miracles of circumstance, the people, and the stories I have collected here will all feed things later, I can feel it. I'm just dying to write and feel like I really can have a productive year and can accomplish a lot.

This is one life goal met, one that I've been waiting almost 5 years to experience, and now I have room to set more of them. I feel very much invigorated, as opposed to the way I felt before I left: sweaty, dull, and near depressed because of the sheer amount of work I knew I had to do in the coming year.

Angus said the whole experiment of education was about loving, something that brought me to tears and that I really couldn't agree more with. Learning and experience here only reaffirms and rejuvinates my love for people and the world, and most importantly, the little stories that are always always bigger than the big ones.

More tomorrow, perhaps. But now for more studying, Magdalene girls and bed.

"Yes I said yes and yes I will Yes"